sali

Tonight i sat at a reading a close friend of mine was reading at. A big ole queer event with people sharing their guts and feelings and all that, it was beautiful, but the thing that has brought me to this website tonight is that a family;a mother and two sisters of a woman named jennifer who died in a car crash in december came to read her stuff to this crowd of queers, to honor her memory, to keep her alive. how brave this was, how beautiful that they knew who she was. that her queerness among other things was not hidden, not shamed into the sidelines of conversation.. i cried through the entire reading, so touched and so reminded of sali... our beautiful beautiful friend who's mom knew who she was, knew all the secrets (well probably not all). at sali's memorial in eugene i was blown away by how integrated her blood family, those she grew up with and the traveling crusty anarchists were the whole time. i had people walk up to me after i sang and read my piece say to me"you really brought her spirit here, thank you for keeping her alive in this space" how amazing to be speaking of this wild eyed crazy dumpster diving emotive diva and have those who didn't nesasarily view her in that way to appriciate and not deny. Sali was not denied who she really was, she wouldn't let herself be denied in life and she has not been denied in her death. there have been a lot of deaths around me lately, feels like the summer of death.was with a best friend while his dad died of cancer, some close friends very close friend drowned a couple weeks ago, someone from my community killed themselves. i am very sad for the loss of these people, for the people that i care for and their pain, their long process of grieving. also their deaths bring back my own grief for sali. someone said to me that the grief just accumulates till it is almost all the same grief, just one big pile of heartache and keeps coming back every time you lose someone, but also that it gets easier, not that people don't mean as much to you, not that you get desensitized, but that it is integrated into your body, that we remember that a part of the living is the dying. but it is still so hard for me that sali's death was murder, murder and rape and its still so hard for me to get over, i mean i will never get over it, i guess that's whats different about violent deaths, its harder to accept. through all these new deaths i have started up a ritual with burning candles and burning myrrh and white copal(something i learned from Lindsay. white copal is burnt as a offering to the dead, myrrh is burnt for the ones grieving death, to comfort) both of these are used in latin america for rituals and while they are not my cultural practices i have integrated them in my own way for my own spiritual practice. as i have been burning them i have felt sali's presence again, i know shes with me sometimes, laughing at my drama, at my insecurities, at the little things that get me down, i know she is what keeps me going sometimes, this drive and inspiration that still shines through even in her dead form, her spirit form, wherever and whatever she is now. most of the time i can accept that this is the way she is in my life, but sometimes i just want to hold her again, hear her laugh again, listen to her stories, and look into her eyes. our beautiful sali gone? those are the times i cry and wonder if my housemates can hear me, if they worry about me, if they even remember that i am still grieving, that this pain is still so deep, that this will be with me forever, a part of my bone matter, right up next to legacies of abuse and racism and homophobia, right up with all those lessons of self hatred, right up there with feeling so so alone and depressed and suicidal. that this pain settles and fuses doesn't make it any less, it makes it easier to go on, but it still fucking hurts, that sali is not in the world fucking hurts. i have learned a lot through this process of communal grieving, have learned that it is so much easier to do it together. it seems like we have all moved on with our lives a little more the past few months(i think the last posting was in march) but reading these postings here tonight and writing has been so important, to remember that this is not over. i know that so many of us still sob as we fall asleep, hold fear of violence, and can't get out of bed. i know that we are still grieving and won't stop, i know that some of us must be just getting out of the shock, or are heading into depression phase. please lets not forget each other, cause i know that we haven't forgotten sali and as someone posted before, this is how we are all connected, this is how we can hold each other, cause we all loved and held sali in all differnet ways, and we all feel that void no matter how small without her .i would love to hear how others are doing, how people are moving on, how they are not. this is how we can keep her alive , through all of us. so much love to you all

Love love xoxoxo,
Dendron

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