sali

i don't want my grief to be all that is left of my friend, this is a great fear of mine.

when i am not so overcome, i wise up a little bit and know that my vivid memories of sali are burned into my brain, that they aren't going anywhere.  she lived too hard and joyous and strong to fade away.  i cry when i think of how wonderful you all are to have kept sali alive in so many ways: through this website, song, sharing memories among our mutual friends, through memorials, through struggle.

christ this is an intense night for me, for some reason.

if you all haven't heard it yet, my friend santa's band "adelitas" wrote a song for sali, called "la que lucho" or "she who fought". the chorus says: "la que lucho por la vida, no se le llama muerta, tampoco morira" or "she who fought for life, you can't call her dead, she will never die"

my grief is so inarticulate.  it tastes like salt and smells like simple green cleaning fluid... i got a call on the bus on my way to work at a youth shelter last year, that's how i found out.  i couldn't stop shaking.  i got to work and a friend/coworker called and called to find coverage for my shift, which he eventually did.  if i left, the shelter wouldn't have been able to open for the night and 30 teenagers wouldn't have had a place to sleep.  i couldn't stop crying and saying "sali" and folding laundry and scrubbing down counters and hoping someone would relieve me before the youth came. the tears just keep coming and my breath catches in my throat, thinking about it all.

she has touched so many people.  one of my new coworkers, at a transitional youth house, heard about her story independently of me... and was so touched by sali's courageous, silly, raunchy, and sweet life.  she felt a connection, and was so glad that somebody like sali existed.

its almost been a year, im trying to think about what i would like to do to honor our friendship and her glorious existence.  if any of you have any ideas, please post them... i read and re-read this all the time.

hugs all around
julia (pdx)